They Were My Yesterdays

Salam.

I only dare watch but I don't want to go anywhere near back there.

Right now, I’m staring outside looking at that ‘view’. Looking through the window. Meaning that, the only thing that separates me and my ‘view’ is the window.

The ‘view’ is my yesterdays..

It was a phase when I wanted to have fun. A phase where I always find any way I can to have fun. A time when all I know is high school, home and in between. Nothing else..for me that is. Always managed to find a way to have the maximum fun I could so that I can remember them my whole life..not knowing where Allah has brought me to right now.

Reminiscing them was such a sweet pastime. Sweet but not intending to be there again. Sweet to be remembered but not eager to go back.

Some may know what I’m talking about but most don’t know. I don’t intend to unleash what exactly that memory was. Because I would like it to be a secret of mine. A secret that I will unleash myself to the one worth for it to be unleashed. 

To be frank, I regretted on the things that I’ve done. Of course I feel the regret because I didn’t use up my high school days wisely and as mature as I should have. Because at that time, I didn’t know that I am actually capable of doing things beyond my level of maturity at that time. But I am also thankful that I didn’t have the chance to be more than I wanted to be. Back then, there was an urge to be different and be extraordinary in some ways that people call ‘dangerous’. I was lucky I wasn’t lurked into that side any further. What I had was enough. Enough just to see them through the windows and lucky enough for not letting myself into those always-opened doors.

But on the other hand too, I am thankful that Allah had lead me through it. The people that I knew along the way, the lessons I learnt. I take every positivity and negativity that I had and use it right now...now, a time where some say that I should leave all those behind and start all over again. Yes, I am starting all over again. But I just couldn’t leave all that behind. Leaving those things from that time that taught me about people, about life.

Please understand. I miss those moments but again, saying firmly that I don’t intend at all to go back there.

I remember each and every part of it. I can even recall songs and sounds that played when those images of that time arrived in my head. As if I could make a full album of soundtracks out of it. Another part is that, songs played a big role at that time. The songs that I don’t listen to anymore. The songs where I play only when I wanted to reminisce those times and nothing more. Those songs are no more a “recently played” or “mostly played”.

Whoever I was back then, there is no way that I could explain them in words.
Let only songs, surroundings and feelings at that time define who I was back then....

And the one truth that no one can deny, there’s only one ultimate power that knows every songs, surroundings and feelings that could define my life back then, the One who has been the Secretkeeper, Companion and Lover..

And I’m still here. With the window still separating me and my ‘view’. Like I said, love to remember it and reminiscing it. Glad to have that window separating me with that ‘view’. Looking at it is enough. Having some parts and pieces of it with me now is also enough. I shall bring them everywhere I go.

And I shall go now, need to make my move now. Leaving that ‘view’ as it is..